It's said that each person lives predominantly in the past, present or future. Until maybe four years ago, I lived mainly in the future. Setting goals, finding satisfaction in the striving, savoring the when-this-or-that-happens.
In the last four years, I've come to live more and more in the present. More enjoying the moments, small and big, and less dreaming of vague future plateaus. As a child, I learned well to hope for better times and better places. It's been a hard habit to break.
I now identify, appreciate and feel/express gratitude for my rich blessings, and they are many. God has been good and faithful.
But just lately, a new realization has disquietly dawned on me. I've made some foolish mistakes, and some regretful decisions. Now I know....you're thinking Of Course! We all do. You're hardly an exception. (Plus I know you...it's obvious. :)
When one lives in the future, one doesn't look back. I've never taken lots of photos. Memory albums and scrapbooks have never been a priority. And neither has second-guessing myself.
Coveting what family, friends and neighbors are/have is not my nature, but as I look at others these days....I sometimes see better decisions they made, and how they're better for them. It shows me where I made a foolish choice or two.
Why does this hurt? Why does this epiphany hurt? I don't know.....it's not pain of imperfection. No problems being in touch with my imperfection. I think I'm angry at myself for opportunities missed. For occasionally taking the wrong road. Maybe for not listening to conventional wisdom or loving advice often enough. I always had it do it my way. That's it....my way. My way.
The Good News is that I can do better. Now. With God, with family and friends, with less...my way. It still hurts, though.