The Grey Stone of Repentance and Forgiveness

The pastor passed out a grey stone to each of us this morning.

"A pet rock" I joked, and we laughed. Some sermon about Jesus being the rock of our lives, I presumed.

During the service, Andrea and I held our stones in our hands.....touching, inspecting, holding close.

My stone was smoothly oval and speckled evenly on both sides with dark gray patterns of dots. Andrea's stone was even smoother, but it had flaws, including one deep scar. We eyed each other's stones.

I liked her stone better than mine.....I admired its beauty in spite of, or because of, its white scars. Andrea being a semi-obsessive perfectionist with engineering/mathematician leanings, I could tell she liked my perfect stone better than her flawed one.

So I suggested we trade, and she quickly agreed. I carefully traced my fingertip along the stone's deep gash, as I admired its sensuous curves. Andrea smiled contentedly, and with relief, as she held the perfect stone.

And then the sermon (on having a healthy relationship with the Holy Trinity) ended.

And the pastor asked each of us to come forth, and....................drop our stone into a bowl of baptismal water, dropping our fears, our worries, our sins into the water along with our stone.

Realizing that we were attracted to our stones because of our mutual weaknesses, Andrea and I glanced at each other in a holy moment of panic.....what, God??? Uhhh...what?

But I stood up, as did she, and we ventured forth to the altar, with Ron (who looked at us quizzically) and everyone else.

She dropped her stone into the water, then received a blessing from the pastor.

I followed her, dropping my stone....along with deep decades-long pain....into the sacred water, and received a blessing from the pastor.

I asked our 14-year-old daughter later.....did you drop your perfectionism into the water with your stone?

She smiled sheepishly, "Mom, it's a long journey................ But I heard God, and yes, I tried."

Grooving in the City by the Bay

Without question, San Francisco is my favorite US city to visit. With fascinating museums, world-class symphony and opera, scintillating restaurants, gorgeous parks and public squares, cozy coffee nooks, superb shopping, simply the best bookstores south of Powells in Seattle and east of New York City's publishing circles.... San Francisco can keep a literate & liberal foodie like me busy for days on end.

From today's San Francisco Chronicle, here's a sampling of just the upcoming weekend....

"Throngs will converge on the city Saturday for four events: the Love Parade and Celebration, the anti-war demonstration, the 33rd annual San Francisco Blues Festival and a night concert at SBC Park featuring the popular band Green Day.

Sunday has nearly as much going on. Besides the second day of the blues festival, hundreds of thousands are expected to converge at another locale, the Folsom Street Fair. Both events start at 11 a.m.

Also on Sunday morning, 5,000 people are expected to take part in the Komen Race for the Cure at Crissy Field to combat breast cancer. And Sunday afternoon, more than 60,000 people will pack Monster Park to watch the San Francisco 49ers take on the Dallas Cowboys. "

Sounds like a truly delightful time in the vibrant City by the Bay.

A Neighborhood Palm Tree

Lightening struck a neighborhood tree last night.

The tree was an sky-scraping palm, healthy, strong and scruffy with age. It must have been decades old.

Ron walked past it this morning on his way to work. He said the tree was still smoldering. When Andrea and I drove past it on her way to school, the street was littered with bark and frond debris, as though the tree had exploded when struck by the blinding electric current.

The palm tree was blackened in mid-truck, where the lightening struck, and it burned from there to the ground. It still stood tall and proud this afternoon, but was greatly weakened.

City engineers chopped the tree down about an hour ago. It's gone now....only a lovely memory and a stump by the curb.
-------------------------
Our lives are like that neighborhood palm tree. We can be decades old, healthy, strong and tall one day....and gone the next.

It's good to remember that God doesn't promise us tomorrow. And to enjoy the blue skies and balmy breezes of today.....

Waiting for God's Pull, Following His Will, Learning to Rely on Him

Two years ago this month, I started blogging when I started my first (and favorite) blog, this one. I had just learned of this new medium, and instantly felt led by God to particpate and express myself in it.

By August of 2004, my social justice and political views were smothering my private thoughts here at The Crazy Woman, so I started a second blog, Heart, Soul & Humor, which is devoted to "Blogging Beatitude Policies --- Unexpected Views on Democracy - Christianity - Sexual Politics - Culture Wars - Wall Street - Everything but the Kitchen Sink." Almost overnight, reader traffic at Heart, Soul & Humor doubled my traffic here. (I found it a bit amazing that people were actually interested in what I had to say....but interested they were.)

In October 2004, my beloved son-in-law, About.com's editor/guide to portable entertainment, casually suggested over family dinner that I apply to be a writer/editor for About.com. He thought I would adore writing for one of the cooking sites (which I would!).

Honestly...I was stunned. What did I....a middle-aged wife, mother of three and soon-to-be grandmother, happily retired from the corporate world...have to offer a a top-15 cyberspace destination site? Yes, I had a few years of home-based ecommerce and eBay experience, and yes, I can write, and yes, I have passionate views. But I certainly had no big-deal qualifications.

So I forgot about his idea. For about six weeks. One day, a few weeks after the November 2004 elections, I ventured a peek at About.com....and I noticed that the Liberals Politics site was open and soliciting applications. Seems that post-election, the understandably discouraged Liberals guide/editor resigned or was terminated.

And again, I felt the unmistakable tug of God, urging me to apply for the position. So right then and there, I did. I poured my soul into it....explained my passions, my limitations, my enthusiasms, my experience, my lack of credentials. I emailed it into oblivion, and again forgot about it.

I decided in December 2004 to shut my two-year-old eBay bookstore (cookbooks and Christian books, mainly), for lack of adequate profits. Too much work, too much competition, too little margin. I prayed to God for a new direction, and I kept blogging at my two blogs.

On January 7, 2005, I was completely surprised by an email from About.com saying they were impressed with my application, and that I would be given an intensive ten-day tryout starting on January 10 to build a site for US Liberals at About.com.

They say God's timing is perfect. In retrospect, He clearly answered my prayer, and His timing was , indeed, perfect. Now please understand...when I tackle something with all my heart and soul and mind, it tends to be excellent and usually reflects my sometimes-buried tendency to perfectionism.

I gave it my all...to say the least. God sat right here with me during long days and nights, as I stretched my creativity to capture this gig that I thought was, in reality, beyond my reach. I landed the gig.

Now please know that I majored in journalism and non-fiction writing as an undergraduate at UCLA. My high school journalism teacher pronounced me a talented writer, and even my sixth grade teacher told me that I was good at sentence structure and vocabulary. This was and is my gift....

I've always admired the New York Times above all other newspapers and news mediums. Always. I could never imagine a higher writing privilege that to write for the Grey Lady. It was an unconsidered fantasy.....never a tangible goal.

So when it was announced in April 2005 that the New York Times acquired 100% of About.com, I cried and thanked God. I really did. He answered a prayer that I never dared to ask of Him. Some people climb Mt. Everest because it's a goal....it's there to conquer. The New York Times was my distantly admired, unattainable Mt. Everest.

My About.com site went live seven months ago now, and I consciously continue to exceed what the powers-to-be ask of me. I have something to say; I feel strongly...very strongly... led by God to say it; and God has provided a highly credible, well-traveled, public place for me to say it.

So here I am, two years after I first started blogging. When I do a search of the phrase "liberal politics" at Yahoo, Google, Dogpile, MSN or any other number of leading search engines, my About.com US Liberals site is now usually the very first listing. #1. At Google's new blogsearch service, my site is also top-ranked there.

Now...uh, what now? I feel like God is leading on to something else, in addition to this gig and my blogs.

But what? This entire path was unplanned. For the first time in my life, I unquestioningly followed God's lead,and I learned to really, truly rely on him. Turned out He had a marvelous plan for me...one that was marvelous far beyond my imagination.

So once again, I am asking God how He wants to use my writing gifts. I now have the credentials to publish books and the track record to expand my ministry.

But all I am doing is praying. I've learned to wait for God's pull, and to rely on His will for me.

It certainly seems to work.

A Sweet Baby and a Lovely Young Woman

Our baby started high school today. The sweet baby we longed for.....the cheerful toddler who wanted nothing more than to be with us....the elementary school student who proudly brought home armfuls of papers each day, beaming as we admired each masterpiece....the gawky middle schooler who fretted to us about dances, the cool people and her hair, her clothes, her everything.

This morning I reached to hug my baby before she left for high school, but she was already gone. Instead, I found a lovely young woman...poised, smart, pretty, and ready to take on the world with values, intelligence and a love of God.

To say we are proud of her is a vast understatement. The better statement is that we are blessed to be her parents. We've given her sturdy roots, and her wings are developing beautifully.

But as loving parents, we already miss our sweet baby...even though college is still four years away.

She Was Charming and Hardworking.....

Earlier today, we went to a Catholic Mass funeral for a longtime friend. She died last week of cancer, after a two-year sporadic struggle with the insidious disease. I believe she is now in the glorious presence of God.

Born a Filipino Catholic, she went to parochial schools, attending Mass every day and even praying between classes. The eldest of five children, Prosie's father died decades ago, and she worked long and hard as an engineer in the Philippines to support her mother and siblings. She left for America in 1984 to find a better life. Prosie eventually was able to bring her entire family to Southern California, where they, indeed, settled into comfortable, healthy lives.

She met and married Jerry, a New Englander who moved to California to avoid snow, in the 1980s. Jerry is an equally successful engineer, and they built a stable and secure life together. One beloved son was born in 1990, and another four years later.

But she continued working long and hard. Working extensive hours, foregoing vacations for business travels. She missed soccer games and PTA meetings, homework and fun times.....Jerry always covered for both of them. She never cooked or did much housework...her mother, who lived with them, did all that for Prosie's family.

Work never left her mind. After her first cancer surgery in late 2003, when she was too weak to run to the office, she had the office come to her home for meetings. Her cancer first showed its ugly face in a hip. She ignored the pain for many months, according to Jerry. She assumed it to be the aches and pains of middle age, and besides...she had work to do.

Prosie always seemed stressed out. She was the most animated when discussing engineering work. Not when doting on her sons or savoring the company of her devoted husband. Once cancer rendered her unable to work a few months ago, she crumbled and gave up the fight. She died far more quickly than anticipated. With work gone, she had no goals...and tragically, no more time to develop new goals or refocus her life.

She sparkled with joy and laughter when with her sisters. But not when spending time with her husband and sons. Work captured her first attentions. She died surrounded by Jerry and their sons, her mother, siblings and even a few cousins. She died holding her sister's hand...not her husband's hand. Not Victor's and Stevyn's hands.

I believe Prosie ascended to heaven, and is now in the glorious presence of God. But I also believe she made some bad choices in her life. My heart aches for her sons, who, as far as we know, got less of her energies and time her than work.

And my heart aches for Jerry, too. It seems he wanted more of her for himself....he certainly had it during their courtship and before children.....but in later years, they drifted apart. Work seemed to hold her affections.

Jerry spoke during the service. The priest asked him to describe Prosie in two words. He said he had a thousand words of praise for her but the two that most came to his mind were.....charming and hardworking.

As my husband said later over lunch, think of the words Jerry could have selected.....generous, kind, loving, thoughtful. Jerry chose charming.....positive, happy, bubbly, with the ability to light up any room or any person at will. And hardworking.....for her loved ones and especially for work. He talked about what a great engineer she was. He never once mentioned that she was a great wife or mother. He never mentioned shared holidays or vacations. He never alluded to intertwined lives or a passion for each other.

The priest pointed out that God blessed Prosie with a good life: that she had a loving husband and children. I wonder if she ever truly knew that. I wonder if she valued the precious treasures that she had. I wonder if she ever stopped and counted her blessings.

Prosie has gone to be with the Lord, now. She died worn out from 30 years of stressful, hard work. I hope she had no regrets for her choices, and I pray that Jerry, Victor and Stevyn felt loved by her.

And I pray that, despite my own ambitions and talents, that I always first love, and show love to, the family God generously placed in my life.

Coffee, the Healthy Beverage

I post this delightful story from AP as I sip a freshly brewed cup of my home-blend of Starbucks Italian roast and Equal Exchange Fairly Traded toffee caramel coffees.

Java Joy: Study Touts Coffee's Benefits by Randolph E. Schmid, AP Science Writer

When the Ink Spots sang "I love the java jive and it loves me" in 1940, they could not have known how right they were. Coffee not only helps clear the mind and perk up the energy, it also provides more healthful antioxidants than any other food or beverage in the American diet, according to a study released Sunday.

Of course, too much coffee can make people jittery and even raise cholesterol levels, so food experts stress moderation.

The findings by Joe A. Vinson, a chemistry professor at the University of Scranton, in Pennsylvania, give a healthy boost to the warming beverage. "The point is, people are getting the most antioxidants from beverages, as opposed to what you might think," Vinson said in a telephone interview.

Antioxidants, which are thought to help battle cancer and provide other health benefits, are abundant in grains, tomatoes and many other fruits and vegetables.

Vinson said he was researching tea and cocoa and other foods and decided to study coffee, too.
His team analyzed the antioxidant content of more than 100 different food items, including vegetables, fruits, nuts, spices, oils and common beverages....

They concluded that the average adult consumes 1,299 milligrams of antioxidants daily from coffee. The closest competitor was tea at 294 milligrams. Rounding out the top five sources were bananas, 76 milligrams; dry beans, 72 milligrams; and corn, 48 milligrams. According to the Agriculture Department, the typical adult American drinks 1.64 cups of coffee daily.

"Unfortunately, consumers are still not eating enough fruits and vegetables, which are better for you from an overall nutritional point of view due to their higher content of vitamins, minerals and fiber," Vinson said....

In February, a team of Japanese researchers reported in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute that people who drank coffee daily, or nearly every day, had half the liver cancer risk of those who never drank it. The protective effect occurred in people who drank one to two cups a day and increased at three to four cups.

Last year, researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health found that drinking coffee cut the risk of developing the most common form of diabetes.

Men who drank more than six 8-ounce cups of caffeinated coffee per day lowered their risk of type 2 diabetes by about half, and women reduced their risk by nearly 30 percent, compared with people who did not drink coffee, according to the study in Annals of Internal Medicine.

Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, said she was not surprised by Vinson's finding, because tea has been known to contain antioxidants...."